Monday, January 9, 2006

what would you do with an extra week's pay?

yeap. that's the question.

why, do you ask? well because i contacted my retirement group to ask the difference between borrowing and getting a distributions from my retirement.

it made sense for me to borrow the money from myself to get the deposit for my new place and to pay myself back in increments AND to give myself interest for the borrowing. ah, grown up financial things.

a thousand bucks, minus some minor fees...and that's how much you need to put deposit down on a cheap place in the Bay Area. i am noticing am feeling rather e.e. cummings today because i don't want to begin sentences with capital letters.

i have a few hours before i pick up craig and diane freshly blissful from oahu. i will be cleaning her place before she arrives. i will also be making a plan for the next month and making some goals for the year.

one thing i am feeling rather anxious about life...and stuff.

my brain was just stuffed with cotton today. i arrived at the office after calling in to street side stories to let them know i would not be there because the traffic out of alameda and over the bay bridge was outrageous. almost 2.5 hours to get into the city starting at 8 am. OUCH! got some more desk cleaning in and then left to go to my appointment with mary ann. she asked me what was i told her about mike visiting and how cool it was to see him and the crew and think, " there he is, just a human guy." she is trying to get me to work on my misplaced affections on unavailable men. i told her it has to do with a level of safety...if i keep them out of the proverbial pool, then when something bad happens, it doesn't ripple me immediately.

we then went on to talking about the discussions i had with meryl and my sister this weekend. my sense of homesickness has me counting down from the bay area life and looking at other life.

she refocused me.

she asked me about taking a class. i have been dragging my feet on that making the excuse of not having time, things not fitting into my schedule...

i told her what i need is an infusion of inspiration. i need mentorship as i am feeling professionally stagnant. when i am engaged and learning i can feel that, and i definitely can feel myself dragging my feet and plateauing when i am not. i would love a professional mentor. i would love an outside presence to help me evaluate what i have and help me plan next steps. i know that i need to use the courage inherent in me. i have courage for so many things...and yet the internal that's super scary.

i brought up how fearful i am about my dad feeling lonely with my nephew gone from his house. my father doesn't enjoy being alone. yet he doesn't really reach out to people. he's such a gregarious man and yet he's pretty miserable at maintaining or engaging in relationships.

i don't want to parallel him. i know that i am not always the most logical in my actions, but i definitely reach out to my community. i want to ask him why he didn't think i could use a dose of some of his knowledge.

but i suppose my immigrant family is learning, much like many other immigrant families learned.

i am taking the next step of knowledge. i am realizing...ah...this is what it means to be in this country. this is the power of money. this is the power of education. these are the blockers to progress and i feel i am forging the tools to battle the blockers of progress.

my comparative nature slows my progress. i get distracted in my peripheral vision of where other people are around me in relation to my goals. some have already achieved the goals that i want...but that's neither a pox on them or me. i need to develop that razor-like focus to KNOW what i want, develop the means to get it, and ACHIEVE it. this is what 2006 is for me.

i will be lobotomizing a lot of the monkey-brain that asks the black hole question, "why?" that question is a killer. sometimes it doesn't matter. what matters is moving forward!

okay...erika has an hour to make the apartment all nice and to deposit and make the full on deposit. dios mio...this is real...really, really real. que bien!

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