Saturday, January 21, 2006
There are piles of clothes on the floor. Random t-shirts from events and organizations that have not appeared on her back in ages. The screen is splitting vertically along the lines they have been folded...for eons it seems.
Yesterday on her errands and wanderings she found two donation boxes within two blocks of each other. She took these as a sign to let the purging begin.
Yes, her usual outlet for new outfits includes her friends and Goodwill. She is not ashamed to reuse; she finds couture to be a whirlwind of waste, for the most part. Of course she wants to have a fresh look, but under what circumstances? Her mind conjures up the conditions these "cute" and "must have" jeans, blouses, boots, sneakers, slippers, etc. are manufactured. And let's stress the word "manufactured" because she ASSUMES (and she's chiding herself for this, too) that the creators of these items of fashion are not offered the same income as the names...no, she thinks of people producing in pretty destitute conditions...
But she's trying to let go of the Atlas thing. She cannot save the entire world and it's narcissistic to think so. She is emphasizing being well-intentioned and mindful, but SELF-RELIANT. This does not mean suffering under martyrdom or hermitage. This means she reaches out as she needs.
In her discussion with Meryl last night she attempted to articulate her growth areas, the tender spots.
Meryl asked her several times if she listened...she struggled with answering this question. Upon reviewing email from the last two years to see her growth...she realized that there's a portion of her mind that clings on to the fear and excuse of "failure" intently. She's coaxing that portion to let go and drop into the deep, warm, blue waters of possibility.
Possibility lies beneath the fear and excuse rope she dangles from. It's a swing rope above a calm lagoon. It's perfectly safe to let go and drop with a splash, rejuvinate in the water of possibility and swim! It's perfectly safe.
That part of her that clings fears the drop...fears the sudden shock of the water...fears her bathing trunks will slip off or her bikini top will come undone.
The less-fearing other part of her mind knows none of this truly matters. And she coaxes. Like falling out of the boat on the river, it's momentary. Even the "long swims" are momentary...your crew will come get you. Your crew will pluck you out of the water quickly and you will have an exciting story.
If she lets go of the rope, the cramping will subside. The deathgrip will release and blood will flow to her hands If she lets go of the rope she'll be in gravity's care and the downward action will actually be freedom. Freedom to act on her success. Freedom to act on her talents. Freedom to unleash her power and beauty and "success".