This morning in Raleigh, NC I woke up in my mom's bed at 3 am. I had MAJOR cramps. I was having a weird dream with my mom, two women she volunteers with and O was visiting as well. (O what the heck were you doing visiting my mom? Especially since you were on your way to work?)
I got up, groggy, took some aspirin and curled up in the fetal position talking to my body and asking it to stop cramping.
Then I got to a philosophical and scientific place...why does the body cramp? What causes cramping? It's not like I have a wound and I don't feel like I am bruised...why don't I know the reason for this? I'm almost a 21 year veteran of this female phenomenon...
Then I get metaphysical with it...okay, Erika...imagine a green light surrounding you, and its healing qualities...you are breathing with the pain...breathing air in and breathing pain off...
I don't remember what part of my begging all that is in charge of creating to stave off the pain, but I nodded off...
and then the buzzer rang...5:30 am to make a 7 am prayer breakfast.
Mami and I both ran late and arrived at the breakfast at 8 am. And in typical mami style, we ran into a dozen people she works with in the community on the way in. Wild.
There was a huge cadre of faith-based, political and business leaders in the room. I hadn't been to an MLK celebrating since Syracuse at the Carrier Dome with Jen Lee in 1994. The morning sunrise was beautiful this morning and I stopped to think about Dr. King.
During the preachers' fiery speeches I took notes reflecting upon my time here. And my need to really address and take on forgiveness...
The key note speaker roused the crowd into "Hallelujahs" and "Amens", the likes of which I have seen in cinema and on television. At one point he evoked scripture from Leviticus and spoke to the crowd...wanting us to touch our right ear, our right thumb, and our right toe. He spoke of anointing us with blood and took us on a historical journey through pre-slavery Western Africa, the Euro-lead slave trade, the middle passage, American slavery and uprises against slavery, abolition, the Civil Rights movement...and spoke of the blood shed in each encounter and told us that each event was not enough blood...I was moved by this man's words and began weeping...
Each memory and historical moment he evoked painted an image in my mind and brought up the emotions of pain that each generation has felt to come to this day...to this day.
And I know that there is much work to be done, but I am so thankful to be part of a movement of people who care about how we co-exist with one another and believe in a world of peace and opportunity for all. I wept and I was ashamed to face my mother or the rest of the table. This was my private moment. This was my own redication to forgiveness and that includes me.
I forgive myself for being so hard on myself for not achieving my own arbitrary goals according to my arbitrary timeline.
I forgive my father for not understanding my needs as a latina woman-child to have equal access to knowledge to be an adult in this world.
I forgive my brother for not acknowledging my mom for the past year.
I forgive my family for not understanding what I considered my dire situation in California. I survived it and have grown from it.
I will continue to find areas of forgiveness...sweep it away and allow all the time and energy I have spent wondering "why" from things in the past and free the energy to move forward.
I have so much to discover about myself...about this world...about this life...
I am SO excited that after experiencing 4 days with my family that I have come to a place where I realize I love them and that my being so far from them does not constitute betrayal.
I needed to know that. I needed to know that my path is not errant or taking away from mi familia.
Wow. Deep stuff.
So today after taking some aspirin for the crampies and needing to work through the anger and the frustration with my dad...and having to survive the Crabtree Valley Mall, I am in my father's house...for the first time in 4 days. My parents are watching a special on Niagara Falls on the Travel Channel. And I feel at peace.
Rock on.
I am SURE I'll have tons to reflect upon tomorrow. I think I need to go dancing.
Yo, Sol? What's your schedule tomorrow night, dude?
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