Anxiety Attack

My hands are literally shaking. I've had another anxious day.

I've missed my yoga for days. I have been tiptoeing and tonight coming home I froze on the back porch when I heard the water running in the kitchen.

Neurons form associations.

Strong associations.

And the trigger for these associations can be random.

In the last two weeks I have been living with associations to some of the most negative parts of my life and making sure I would never have to confront it.

Tonight that came to a head.

Nervously fumbling my phone in my hand I slowly opened the lock and stood in the laundry room.

I heard breathing. I stood, heart pounding in the corner of my laundry room.

I spoke with my friend Meryl yesterday about this feeling of anxiety, this feeling in my stomach that will not be ignored.

A voice spoke to me from behind the curtain asking me what was wrong. My mind flashed back to when I was 7 and then fast forwarded. The shed. The bike. The car. The room. The yacht. Each flash, each face brought on sheer terror.

I asked to be left alone.

I said I was scared. The voice stood its ground, demanded an explanation and I could offer none. I only asked to be left alone to return to my room.

And so I sit here, with my thoughts, raging in my left lobe.

Anxiety flooding my neural network.

Being told of amendment rights and legal ramifications.

But what of my right to feel safe? My right to be clear of these memories and associations? What of my right?