Friday, September 29, 2006

Internalizing Cinderella

I would like to thank this broadcast from the network I am biting off right now. I don't know HOW I got internet, but there's a little signal on the Airport card, so I am going to take advantage of it!

I was scanning at 8:45 this morning. We're doing pre-production for about 90 movies.

It's a little daunting with 4 little scanners.

I felt at my wits end when at noon I needed to prepare to teach in a classroom and felt like I made no dent on the scanning and I was nervous about recording students as well.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed.

Today I hunkered down and thought about what I can do...and that helped. A long discussion with my boss and coworker really helped. It didn't come from a place of fear and it didn't come from a place of came from a solution-seeking place and that's new for me in the workplace.

I'm used to having to cover issues with little bandages while things are hemmorhaging.

And that is no way to operate, especially when you're a technology program.

Today I got sane and feel like we made headway. I'm impatient and a perfectionist. So it's day 9 on the job and I feel like I should know everything and have all my systems down.

This is unrealistic. I know.

My ego doesn't know this.

Then I went to the film premier of my friend Sara's documentary; Illuminations. It's a look at black women's experiences in America. For three years I took part in sister circles that let me let my hair out about hair, skin, body image, being the only brown girl in very pale places. Participating in these circles gave me a forum for my black experience. My family gives me a place to be boricua, but the political experience of being black in America isn't addressed at home. It's met with the immigrant boot strap thing.

This isn't a good strategy when people perceive you as an American Black woman and you're ill-equipped to discuss Black politics or hair or culture or don't really do hip hop. Because it was imposed upon me, I have added to my person. My suburban Puerto Rican with a pass in a middle class white world was hyphenated to include the urban...the Black experience.
And so now I know a little bit about a A Tribe Called Quest, Malcolm X, and the Freedom Rides. I follow what Jesse Jackson and Colin Powell are up to and I know that Grey's Anatomy is penned by an African American woman.

My American-ness depends upon having an understaning of who I am from the inside out. And this evolution is amazing.

But I digress...

I braved coming over the bridge after my mind wandered to a friend who had a serious surgery today. I found parking and I stumbled to the theater in my heels, recapping my beautiful suit from Melissa and Sean's wedding.

Today I felt less confident in it.

I think that had to do with me getting prepared in a middle school faculty bathroom.

It also had to do with my hair being back in twists. And I didn't have the lip gloss. And I am wondering what to do about my car. I wasn't in the moment.

I got to the theater and I sat down next to my friend Kimmy, her son and her partner.

Sara introduced the film. And I saw myself and other women on the screen.

And I was blown away.

I have felt me growing bit by bit over the last 3 years, but I actually saw it on the screen.

I used to hide in my overalls and cover my body up.

I weighed a little bit more.

And I could see sadness as it weighed on my face. My voice sounded SO serious.

Not to say that I have ended my evolution, but it was amazing to see that on screen.

And then we all went out to dinner and I got a splotch on my suit.

Tim was kind enough to come to my rescue with fizzy water.

And I found myself awkward in my Girl clothes, despite all the compliments.

And Tim said, "That's enough with the negative comments."

He was right. I've been trying on the glass slipper and pushing it away for 3 years. I need to step in them with confidence and start walking. I can be lovely. I can be relevant. I can be excellent. And I am valuable.

And it's okay if I own that.

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