in a young women's school of about 100 seniors, they were awarded 3.5 million dollars worth of scholarships.
not bad, class of '06. not bad at all.
after the graduation at st. mary's cathedral of the assumption, i was washed over with a sense of lonliness. the sun was setting and families were about congratulating their students.
i heard one father say to his daughter's boyfriend,
"so you the n----r? are you? are you the n----r?"
i was embarassed for the boy, the girl, and the father. the boy had come to support his girlfriend. he was wearing a baseball cap atop his dreads, a t-shirt, jeans, and a puff coat. he blushed. and the girl buried her face in her father's chest, dying from the embarassment of the question.
why is meeting parents such a harrowing event?
i drove to oakland, ate alone, and went home and sat among my boxes exploded in my house. i felt out of control and thought sleeping would remedy it.
i woke up saturday, late for my doctor's appointment.
and i walked in, apologized, and told her i would hold my tears at bay.
i sorta did.
i mentioned how i felt a failure because people who have it handled don't scrape pennies together.
adults have money for their homes and trips and clothes and finish their degrees.
she shooshed me gently. i told her about my concerns.
her suggestion is that i take one class this summer.
i went home to gather courage for a going-away party.
the courage never manifested. i arrived, i dropped off lemonade and i went to my car to nap. i slept and while i napped ...
i've had a lot of brain discussion this afternoon. my favourite ad to be a beleagured(sp?) conversation with G_d.
g-d sounded like a member of monty python's flying circle, ridiculously british and sensible.
i think i was asking if it mattered if i pray...
and the monty pythoned voiced g-d said, "of course it matters if you pray it matters if everyone prays. even agnostics, even athiests. every request we get up here -- including hopes, wishes, and dreams counts.
"we are always working for you guys and doing our best. sometimes it's hard. there are 6.5 billion of you.
"when you do something good, you get a reward: a blessing, a bonus...SOMETHING. when we do something good, there's no vacation, no gold cup...NOTHING. none of that matters here. it's sometimes hard to remain motivated, because we're already in "a better place," so what better life do we have to look forward to?"
g-d sat behind a very office-like desk overrun with paper. it was a stark white office and he was a drone like his colleagues -- male and female, white button-down shirts, and thin black ties and old-fashioned white rotary phones.
everything was clean-room white.
i sat there with nothing to say, but i did feel a little bit of understanding.
when my prayers aren't "immediately answered" it's not due to some "black mark" on my record. there's a lot of requests, apparently, and they're understaffed in the great beyond.
i get that.
so i left the party that i never attended and went to practice my violin by the lake. i sat on a log and labored through notes i still don't read easily without marking a, b, and c next to them. i still can't recite an octave with the sharps in place, but i am getting more comfortable fingering the beatles' "in my life" and have it sound like the melody, albeit strained.
saturday night i spent alone again, overwhelmed by my mess, so i created piles and then i sorted some and was in bed by 9.
sunday morning i woke at 6 to a missed call by my mother.
i needed to do laundry and went back to ancestry...i filled my sink with detergent and hot water and loaded clothes in, scrubbed with my hands (covered in gloves) and then carted them in a bin to the tub where i rinsed them with cold water.
then i hung them up on hangers and used the fence, an end table, and the gutter to hang everything from undies to t-shirts, to dresses and socks.
the 8 am sun was lovely and my neighbors were getting ready for their daughter's first communion party.
balloons went up, as did tables and chairs, and my clothes continued to dry. i was listening to an npr program - to the best of our knowledge and it featured a show on chess and a show on youth media.
i was anxious because on thursday i made arrangements with shawna to come over and help me sort...and i didn't know what creature she may discover when she arrived.
i made headway by piling up empty boxes, cleaning the bathroom, and making manageable piles in the living room.
i listened to a classics show at 10 examining some works of beethoven hosted by a gentleman who knows his music history and delivers it rather entertainingly!
i checked my clothes, the thinner clothes definitely dry faster. jeans take FOREVER.
the morning turned into afternoon.
my father left a message wishing me a happy weekend.
i made tea and a mess in my kitchen.
shawna called and i answered and explained my anxiety.
she said she was glad that she was coming over then.
and i just hunkered down and tried to make piles more manageable.
i cleaned out the garbage and recyclables.
when she arrived with cookies and berries we made a plan.
we created a system to divvy my deluge of stuff and we went at it.
during her time with me we sent three bags of recycling to the bin and 2 bags of non-recyclables.
we created space in my living room overrun with boxes and the disembowelment of boxes.
as we worked and played music i noticed the neighbors party growing.
and mariachis played.
i was charmed by the live music outside of my home.
the neighbor's kids came in an asked if i was coming to join them.
i thought that was sweet.
shawna left at 5 and i continued to work til about 7, and then joined my neighbors.
i am subconscious about my spanish outside of my family. but i thanked them for inviting me and enjoyed an ensalada de nopales....YUM YUM as well as carnitas and grilled chicken and a vaso de agua de tamarindo.
i watched as the kids squealed "ring around the rosie" in the jumping gym and knocked it over almost twice.
they played with my croquet set and were violent with it.
but here they were. kids.
and my heart suspended its sadness a little.
it made me miss my family a lot.
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