Christmas 2005

My mother has such a lovely perspective on things. She is a constant optimist.
She has faith that things will be well. That God will provide. Sometimes I
don't understand her optimism and other times I have a taste of it. It's
beautiful, regardless.

In speaking with her this morning she recounted symtoms of what seems like a
mild heart attack. That's scary for me. I didn't verbalize this to her.

Mami spoke of sharp pain on one side...Christ. These episodes seem to be
happening more frequently. They remind me of our eventual mortality and I am
reminded to savor each and every moment. This drink of life only has one cup...
and each drop is precious.

My mind rushes to the fact that I have not given my parents grandchildren, or
produced a husband she can approve of, laugh with, and give the mami 20
questions to. I haven't given them a Christmas in a beautiful home of my own. I
want to show them I have grown up and am now sharing responsibiliity in the
tribe.

I want to give these intangible, beautiful family things to them. They gave
them to me. They set such a beautiful standard of family gathering for me with
music and food and laughter and a house PACKED with family and friends. There
was no downtime in December. December is the time of familia.

I want to show my parents that they did beautifully with me. And I want to show
it in a more grand way. I'm am exhibitionist.

Ah, I continued on this delayed adolescence.

I haven't done yoga yet today, but I can honestly say that I am feeling at
peace this morning, despite these thoughts. I think the headache that just came
on came from the fact that I gorged on Pocky last night as I read through the
Arabic book. Too much sugar. Ill-balance produces ailment in the body.

The house sounds of the whirring of the washing machine and dryer. The house
smells of tiling chemicals.

Christmas 2005.

I am slowly hacking at the behemoth of my room. It is my goal to have it
organized and the space maximixed for the New Year. Today is prime for
organizing because I can take stuff out of the room. There are no dogs to be
found and no landlord. It's terrible to feel trapped. I need freedom to
organize and my method of organization is exploding and then placing.

The stress-induced re-attack of poison oak patch is mildly itchy. I put
essential oil of lavender, lemon verbena and something else on it. It feels
scaly and that texture seems ridiculously foreign on one's skin. I am repulsed
by it. I imagine my forgiving husband would have more humor about it than I and
would comfort me with a gentle, loving comment.

I will, in time, develop more kindness and compassion for myself. That, in
turn, will increase my kindness and compassion for those around me. An increase
in loving capacity! Loving productivity UP! More bottom line! Increased
interest and investment from outside sources! The Loving and Compassionate S&P
BULLISH!

Friends and family, I am filling my heart with you in this moment. Christmas
and other holidays are days we exhalt as times to illustrate love and
togetherness. There is a lot of pressure to perform and produce and exhibit on
holidays. I know I feel less pressure because I don't have the means (for now)
to create grand displays of affection with dinner parties or trips to exotic
locales or showing up at your doorsteps without notice to say hello with
coquito in hand. I do hope you know and feel affection in my tenderness and my
hugs. I hope you know and feel appreciation in my thank yous. I will continue
to strive to streamline and illustrate what boils down to my love and affection
for you as my powerful circle. Without you I am not. And I frankly could not
imagine myself without my circle.

Happy Holidays, dear ones. May 2006 bring gentleness with her, and love,
excitement, and challenge to you.

Breathe Always,

Erika